Raising teens these days is tough enough. Throw divorced parents in there and a whole new set of issues come up where teens are concerned. I am divorced and have 4 children who have all suffered and lived through the effects of divorce. Two are now adults and two are teenagers still in high school. Each of my kids have “turned out” differently than the other. I have two girls and two boys but none of them were affected exactly the same way. Here are their stories.

My oldest, a daughter, was about 16 when her father and I got divorced. She was in the midst of her junior year in high school, had a boyfriend, and life was pretty normal for her. She was in a charter school and very involved in dance and drama. She was not surprised when we announced our decision to end our marriage. She was old enough to see that her father and I weren’t spending much time together and the when we were together we fought and there was no love.

When we went before the friend of the court mediator for child custody, the mediator figured the kids were old enough to decide who they wanted to live with, and DD-T chose me. She’s the only one of my kids that did choose to live with me at the time. I wasn’t surprised when the boys chose their dad over me, but I was very shocked when my youngest daughter, who was 8 at the time chose her father over me. I’m not going to go into all the details of why I think she chose her father, but I will tell you that later she did chose to come live with me.

DD-T I will call my oldest, graduated from high school, went to college for a bit, but didn’t graduate. She married a man she dated in the 8th grade and then again after graduation. They are Christians and have two adorable little boys. They have their financial struggles but their life is pretty good and she is a great mom! One of the best mom’s I know!

DS-B, my second child, took a different path. He got into drinking and smoking pot at a young age. By the time he was 20, he had 4 DUI’s and was convicted as a felon. His last jail sentence was for 5 months, plus 5 years probation. He has no driver’s license and it is very hard to get a job because of his record. But, (yes there is light at the end of this tunnel!) while he was in jail, my husband and I went to see him every weekend and we took Christian books to him and a bible and we talked to him about God and we wrote letters to him encouraging him to turn his life over to Christ. He did. He still struggles sometimes; he backslid some this summer but didn’t get into trouble and he got back on track. Now he is probably going to move to Colorado to get a fresh start.

Then there’s DS-K. He is 18 and living with his father. He did live with my husband and I for a while, but he didn’t want to go to church or live the way we live. You see, at his father’s house he is allowed to live pretty much however he wants! I’m amazed that he chooses that lifestyle after seeing what DS-B went through, but he thinks he’s smarter than DS-B. Ha. He graduates this year, so I’m praying that he will grow up and out of the kind of lifestyle he is leading.

DD-K lives with us, goes to church, sings on the worship team and gets good grades. She is organized, helps with chores without being asked and has taken a stand for purity. She’s not sure what she wants to do as far as college yet, but has talked of going to the Honor Academy at Teen Mania Ministries or a school where she can study worship and music.

All of my kids have different stories. Each of them came through divorce differently. I often wonder how different they would be if we hadn’t gotten divorced. Would DD-K be walking with Christ as strongly as she is? Would DD-T be the awesome mom she is? Would my DS’s have taken then paths they did? No one knows.

Do I regret divorcing their dad? No. I know I couldn’t continue living with him leading the kind of life he did. And my husband now is awesome and amazing! Do I regret that my kids had to live through divorce? Absolutely. Do I wish things were different? Some, yes. And sometimes I wish I would have known Christ like I do now back in my high school years because I probably wouldn’t have made the choices I did! But I can’t change that now. I am where I am today partly because of the choices I made back then, but mostly because of Christ.

Are you divorced? Do you have teens being raised by you alone or their dad alone? I think it’s important that kids have both their parents in their life. I know this is not possible in all situations. But I think if I would have had more influence on my boys when they were growing up, they might not have taken the roads they did. But, on the flip side, I don’t know if my girls would have chosen the roads that they did either had their father been more involved in their lives! I guess it depends on each situation and circumstance.

My oldest son rarely came to stay with me when it was my weekend with my kids. (Oh, btw, for the first couple of years, I had the kids every other week, so I did have some influence in their lives then.) He was already getting into the partying and drinking, and I had no clue. So I guess what I’m trying to get at with this post is: be a part of your kids lives as much as possible. I know it’s tough when the kids go back and forth between houses. It’s like you have to detox them the first couple of days. But, it’s worth it!!! No matter how tough it is, they really do need both parents! I am so greatful for my husband now. He has been an amazing role model for all four of my kids in a amazing way.

So, if your struggling with your kid or kids when they go to their dad’s for the week or weekend, hang in there! It will get easier, or it may not. All situations are different. But be praying for them when they are away. If you need anyone to talk to or are going through divorce and have questions about your teens, just ask. I am here for you, as I’m sure all the Wahmmys are too! Sometimes its nice just to have some support! You don’t have to go through it alone!