What To Do When Your Teen Says Hateful Things To You

Written by Mary

November 11, 2008

If you are parent to a teenager, you may have heard these awful words: “I hate you! You’re the worst mother ever!”  Some of you may be taken aback by the fact that a child would even think of saying these words to a parent; the disrespect, even thinking they could get away with speaking like that to an adult, and so on. Sad to say, in today’s society, it happens more often than not.

A friend from church recently shared with me that her son said those very words to her just the other day. He’s 13. She was so devastated that her son would think that, much less say it to her face. As you can imagine, it was during a heated discussion. She was in tears over it! Have you ever experienced this? I have, unfortunately. And as mom to 4 kids, I have on more than one occasion and by more than one of my children and it too sent me to tears.  I began doubting myself as a parent, as a mother.  I had thoughts of, “why did I ever have children? I thought they were supposed to love you eternally, without question?!”

Now, I’m not going to get into the whole thing about children must respect their parents and so on, that’s a whole ‘nother discussion! What I want to talk about here is how to deal with it.  I am no expert, I’m not a psychologist or anything like that, nor am I a counselor. I am just a mom whose dealt with some pretty bad stuff as 2 of my kids went through their teen years, and the other 2 are still going through them.

First of all, let’s talk about the emotions of teenagers and what they are going through. Especially in the early years, teen’s hormones are all over the place! My husband read one study that said that children are literally insane during their early teen years.  The frontal lobe of their brains are not fully developed yet, and they are being washed by hormones.  They are so full of emotions, highs and lows, and yet have no idea how to deal with them or even why they feel the way they do.

As my kids have grown through the years, I know they love me, and they did not mean those words spoken out of anger.  They never meant them and my two older ones have apologized to me for the way they behaved sometimes as kids.

I know when you’re in the moment, those words are devastating, but remember, if you just keep loving your children unconditionally (is that hard or what?!) and keep guiding and directing their steps, they will grow up to respect you and love you, and may possibly even apologize for saying such things to you.  They may, in fact, even wonder how or why they could have even thought such things! Who knows.  Just hang in there! I know you’re not the worst mother EVER, and you’re kids don’t hate you! They may hate that you just told them no to something they wanted or wanted to do, but they don’t hate you! Try to remember that.  I know it will be hard, especially when those words are ringing through your ears, but trust me, they don’t hate you!

58 Comments to “What To Do When Your Teen Says Hateful Things To You”

  1. Tishia Lee Says:

    I don’t think it’s even just ‘teens’ that say it. Caleb’s in the pre-teen years and I’ve heard it on more than one occasion! It certainly does hurt. It’s frustrating and hard to swallow that someone we love so much could ever say something like that but then I remember back to my pre-teen and teen years and remember muttering those same exact words. Raising kids is certainly a challenge! LOL

    Tishia Lee’s last blog post..The Ex Has Once Again Given Me a Reason to Complain

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  2. Tricia Says:

    I have to say that I have taught my children that Hate is a bad word. And I have yet to have any of my kids say they hate me. Now my teenage daughter has said she dislikes me and yest that did hurt but not as much as her saying she hates me.

    Great post Mary thanks so much.

    Tricia’s last blog post..I Love Turtle Chex Mix!

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  3. Mary Says:

    Tricia,
    That is awesome that you taught your kids early on not to say HATE. I tried, I did, but I think they learned it from other kids at school. Of course they got punished when it was said, but the words still flew out of their mouths. It just helps to know, now, that they really didn’t mean it and I hope the outcome of my experiences help other moms to get through these rough times.

    Mary’s last blog post..Testing

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  4. Arika Says:

    My oldest (now 11) told me that he hated me once. This was before he really understood the meaning and how hurtful it could be. I explained that it’s a very strong word and he should hate no one – no matter how mad or upset he is. I explained that hate is just as strong as love but that it hurts and love makes people feel good.

    He might still mumble things or stomp off when he’s angry at me, but he never tells me he hates me. Thank the good Lord that I got that point across. ;)

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  5. LeaAnn Says:

    What a wonderful post. This happens far to often. I know I’m the parent of 3 children and had my fun in the sun with them as well along with the 1

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  6. LeaAnn Says:

    Sorry computer screw up or I’ve just lost my marbles. Anyway as I was saying. I also have 7 grandchildren. The best thing to remember is this can be a learning venture for everyone. Let the tears flow and the anger pass then talk about it. In the end everyone will be better for it. My thoughts and blessings go out to all of you Mom’s who are dealing with this now or in the future.

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  7. Amethyst Says:

    OMG! I have 7 kids and 5 of them are teens! I’ve been crying all weekend over my 16 yr old turning on me and not even having thanksgiving dinner with me. Then the 13 yr old started with “you don’t pay me enough attention” and the 17 yr old wrote a note to her friend trashing me and left it out by mistake and I found it!! Devastating! AND I have a 7 yr old who’s on the brink of pre-teen meltdowns all the time! I’m losing my mind! Someone talk me out of driving off a cliff, huh?

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  8. Mary Lutz Says:

    To Amethyst:
    I know what you’re going through! When my two oldest were teens, my two younger ones were on the brink of becoming teenagers. The hormones are so whacky at these ages! I’ve had my one or more of my kids walk out during a Holiday more than once. Sometimes it’s easier just to let them go and cool off. My near 18 yr old got mad this Thanksgiving too and walked out. I hate it, but it’s his decision that he will have to live with. He eventually cools off and then comes back and apologizes and realizes he was wrong. All of my kids have. Yours will too. Just love them unconditionally (that doesn’t mean enabling them) and they will come to love and respect you. It sucks you have to go through this, and you shouldn’t have to. I don’t know your situation, but just try to remember they are a hormonal mess right now and probably don’t realize how hurtful they are. If we could only record them when stuff is happening. If they could hear and see themselves it might make a huge difference. I don’t know. But, I will be praying for you and your family! As my Grandpa used to always say, “Keep your chin up”.

    Mary Lutz’s last blog post..A Few of My Favorite Things ~ D

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  9. tigga Says:

    I maybe odd but the word hate doesn’t bother me as much as it does some people. There are worse things which can be said. And maybe it is because I believe there are evils in this world which all good people should revile or hate. Then, also, the word is often used mundanely as in “I hate broccoli, etc.” I guess it is just how you gage the word. I remember a woman I worked with telling me that she told her 6 yr old that the definition of hate was “wanting someone dead”. It seems to me that murderous intention are something despicable and should be reviled or hated.

    Which I have found most often that when someone says I hate you, they really hate mean they hate how they are feeling. And instead of yelling “I hate how I am feeling right now. ” Or I hate how I am feeling about you right now. You are making me angry with you constant demands, annoyances, etc.” they yell “I hate you.” and or “You’re driving me crazy.” It usually means a person is feeling overcome with painful emotions and is feeling powerless within a situation.

    Unfortunately there have been times in my life where as a child my mother yelled “I hate you.” at me. And times backed against the wall when I have yelled “I hate you.” at my own children. People who know us, will tell you that my mother is not a patient person. My mother will even tell you she is not a patient person. They will also tell you that I am a patient person yet I have an anger issue. Which is true. I allow myself to be pushed until I can’t it anymore and when I yell “I hate you.” I mean “I hate how I am feeling. I hate myself for being inadequate.” etc.If I had more time I would elaborate.

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  10. Lisa Says:

    I have a 15 year old hateful teen as well, she is the youngest of 4 and the only one left at home. Everything I have read thus far on many website are excusing the hateful, disrespectful, manipulative teen behavior. The excuse being hormones! I for one am sick of it, that is NOT an excuse. I to was a teenage girl I would never have treated my parents they way my daughter treats me or speaks to me. I imagine that although society has changed hormones in teen girls has NOT. Maybe the heart of the issue is that teens these days have everyone making excuses for their diplorable behavior.
    I would also imagine that is this were true “hormones” as most seem to say, they why is it that this is only displayed to me the parent, she loves and respects everyone else in her life. I’m the one that bends over backwards to provide for her, give her all the things she in essence manipulates me out of, as it seems to buy me a little kindness for a time.
    Hormones is an excuse for these teens, when their is NO excuse for this type of behavior.

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    Vicki Reply:

    I totally agree with you Lisa. My daughter is currently grounded for a week for her commplete disrepsect to me. It has been going on far to long. She is almost 14. The word “hate” is too easily spoken by her and what really tiped the scale to me when she told me to just die so she would not have to deal with me anymore.
    All because I told her “no” and I did hang up the cell phone on her 3 times that day because of her disresepct on the phone to me. She was warned in advance but it did not stop the bad behavior. Too many parents are making excuses for their children’s behaviors. What is wrong with grounding. (She is grounded for a full week…no social networking, no cell phone use and no school social events) We have tried taking one thing or another from her without any change. We told her she needs to have a “heart” change towards me in particular. By the way, she is PMSing this week which makes her mouth run even more…..hormones are just an excuse, everyone needs to learn when and how to speak to someone else. Thanks for the post.

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    Carla Reply:

    Thank you Vicki and Lisa. :~)

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    Emilie Reply:

    I completly agree with you Vicki. I was 18 when I had lmy 15 yr old. She has always been a good kid, not so much into boys and stuff.Then , WHAM!!!, She hates me, plotted against me by telling the upstairs neighbor terrible things about me. She was supposed to be using the printer, we don’t have one. Child Protective Services were called on me with unthinkable false allegations. She knew who called nealy a month before they came to my home. She had told all the neighbors that she was waiting for them to come. Durring Christmas time, BETRAYAL!!! A CPS worker knocked my door on 1-19-10 with intentions of taking my 3 year old. After I was interegated, and all my RX meds were counted, and I passed a drug test, she realized the allegations were false. Still have an open case with these guy though.The only good thing is that maybe she will agree to go to counceling now. I have been in therapy and definatly need to learn how not to hate HER.

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    Elaine Reply:

    I am so there. My daughter will be 16 in December. August 2009 she made false allegations of my husband and myself. (I had just returned from major surgery when she physically abused me. She took off and I got a call from who I thought was a very good friend that she was there. I went to pick her up the next morning and 4 cops met me. We then went to the cop shop in town and were told that there was a criminal investigation for sexual molestation. She lasted about 3 days at my “friend’s” (now ex-friend) and was put into foster care. After many phone calls and lawyers the criminal charges were unfounded. In foster care she was able to run and do as she pleased. When we finally got her back June 2010 (yes I ask myself “why” did we take her back) she was good for a couple weeks and then it all began again. The running away, skipping school, drugs and unprotected sex. Since she is still a dependent of the state I am forced to call her in as a runaway whenever she leaves without permission. I now have 10 reports filed. She is in Intensive Outpatient Treatment for her drug habit. (it is a joke to her) She did have a mental evual. (after she came back into our home) Says she is dillusional, implusive, and has distruptive behavior disorder. Now the kicker…. at court this week the judge stearnly spoke to me about my “poor” child. “Where there is smoke there is fire” she said. “worry more about myself than her.” THE PROBLEM IS MY CHILD!!!!! She is the abuser. The whole time she was in foster care nothing was done to get her help. She simply just does not care. Has never had any punishment for her behavior. This is to include telling her now ex-boyfriend that she was pregnant TWICE!!! Total lies, she is not and never has been. I am now in the process of jumping through more hoops as CPS now wants her “committed”. Not that they will help with anything as she is a danger to herself and others. (found a butcher knife in her bedroom) My husband sleeps behind a locked door in the basement and I usually don’t sleep much unless she is on the run. She believes that she controls everything and everybody. So now CPS is considering the charge of “contempt”. A few days in juvy. Great!!! Let’s do it…. Oh and by the way…. you will be charged a fee for this service. Juvy is not free you know. With no jobs, no insurance and having just spent our savings to get her back, we can barely afford to live. Oh yes, the child support I now have to pay to the state for taking my child and putting her in foster care. I can accept that my child has a chemical imbalance, however she still has free will and knows right from wrong. Lord help me, I cannot stand my daughter!!! I want her abuse to STOP. I want her gone!!! I love my child… It’s just that I do not know this person in my home and she is so toxic that I don’t know how much longer I can deal with her. I pray that one day she will finally see the error of her ways, I just wonder if I will be around to see it happen. (I had her at 40) I feel like I am in a war zone and have no ammunition. I will be fighting this battle into mid 2011. I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive her. Yet it is so hard to “let her go” even though she is already gone, even living in my home.

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  11. lisa Says:

    I totally agree – after being yelled and swore at because i wouldnt let my daughter do something she wanted to i am sick of people making excuses for their behaviour! As a single parent you do everything you can to make sure they are provided for and loved and then over one thing they cant have they chastise you for it with swearing and hurtful words and saying they hope you die!! When do you say enough is enough – ?? What do you do about it – how do you punish them without punishing yourself ?? I continue to give boundaries as i believe it makes them feel secure and i am a parent first and friend second – if i can be both i count it a blessing -

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    Emilie Reply:

    Everyone has hormones. Can I blame my wrong behavior on my hormones?

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    chris Reply:

    You are responsible for your behavior….hormones or not. So grow up and take responsibility for your actions.

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    Kelly Reply:

    Lisa,
    My sweet, kind daughter has turned into an evil, rude, disrespectful preteen.. she’s only 11. She has told me that she hates me, I am the worse mother in the world, I am lucky because my mother died when I was young, she hopes I never have another baby because I ruin lives, etc… and I have honestly tried to be the best parent I could be.She screams at me, hits herself, and says she wishes she were dead. I feel like such a failure as a parent and keep getting mixed advise. Some people say ground her, some say spank her, some say smack her in the face!! I have grounded her and tried to spank her but she just keeps getting worse. I am a single mom and her dad lives out of state.. and honestly I feel that might be a lot of the problem. She just take ME serious…

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    Kelly Reply:

    Sorry– typing to fast… I meant to say she just does NOT take me serious.
    And by the way, these outbursts come from things like me telling her to say please or asking her clean her room, etc…

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  12. danny Says:

    i am 12 years old and my mom banned mii frumm hangin outt wiff myyy bestii. i was sooo madd i emailed myy bestii that i hatee myy mumm andd shee needs tuu go die. i 4got tuu sign out and the my mum went on and saw i wazz still signedd on so shee read that email forwarded it tuu myy familii got grounded andd now my whole familii hatess mii. and noww i felt awful for wat i did and then myy step dad came in and went all abusive on mii.

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    mum Reply:

    Aw diddums

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    Nikki Reply:

    If I was the mom of this kid, i would have gone “all abusive” on that kid too!!

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  13. Robin Tidwell Says:

    Mine told us today that he hoped we’d die. Of course, he’s CD, maybe more, and he’s 17. No idea where he’s staying right now. My blog has, um, quite a few posts on this topic….

    However, all that aside, parents too often are afraid to parent – they want to be friends with their kids. Additionally, hormones be d*mned – we all have them, it doesn’t make us consistently rude and disrespectful, nor slobs, nor rebels.

    Teens used to just navigate on through these years – until the bobblehead “experts” began to tell us that all teens had “issues”. I know plenty of teens who are bright, respectful, studious, courteous, and so forth, MOST of the time. And who would never THINK of saying things like this!

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    Sue,mom of three Reply:

    I have 3 girls under 13 yrs, tweens I think they call it. My oldest had a huge meltdown this morning before school and of course took it out on me. She hates me, wishes she or I was dead. I have dealt with this behavior since she was 6. I need some new tactics because I don’t know how to deal with her anymore. All my dad had to do was give us kids “the look” and we knew not to continue being disrespectful. I’ve obviously never managed to perfect “the look”. Someone help me!

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    Kris Reply:

    My son age 6 is telling me he hates me, withes I would suffocate, throws things at me and now said tonight he wishes he was dead! And I really think he was serious about it. I can’t believe he is going through this at such a young age. I don’t know what to do anymore. And he just blows up over the littlest things. Sue, please respond to facebookchick2010@hotmail.com. Thanks!

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  14. Jennifer Says:

    i am a mother of six and yes sue, my dad had that look that would straighten me and my 7 siblings out in a heartbeat. But haha not my kids, no fear whatsoever calling me and thier dad all the names in the book. There aint a day that goes by that me or him aren’t called a bitch. In a dispute with my oldest(she’s almost 15) last night i was taking my son to the store for school suppies for a project, she wanted to come, i said no(i wanted this time for me and him) she kept telling me yes she was going, i repeated no and ran to my car and locked the doors and started to drive off she grabbed the door handle on hung on running with the car, my son rolled down the window and pushed her off, she fell but was fine, got up and ran in the house, then the text messages started “happy fucking mother’s day you scum bag bitch, u wont find me home you dirty whore” i told her that would be fowarded to the cops then she said “good bitch make sure to tell them how you ran me over you stupid cunt and how your daughter commited suicide on her bed cuz ur so fucked up” “i hate your filthy guts, go die in a whole”
    so yes, this girl who has been givin everything by me and her father, cell phones, laptop, expensive clothing and shoes, gym membership and much more acts out like this, but i’m afraid to cut off her cell phone or try any punishment like that because i dont want her to get worse like she threatens or hurt herself…she has 2 different sides to her, most of the time she loves me but yeah she dont get her way…then she hates me—ugh what the heck do i do???!!!

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    chris Reply:

    It’s called juvenile detention. Next time she threatens you or physically hurts you call the police. They will take her away. Let her stay there.

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  15. Debbie Says:

    Does anyone have any suggestions for getting a husband to get over a mouthy 14 year old? He was raised in a Leave it to Beaver family – this children were neither seen nor heard unless requested. I was raised by a single mother with a close to deadbeat dad and am sure I said many things to my mom that I didn’t mean. Luckily for me I grew up before she died and was able to ‘make it right’. I have given my girls (14 & 12) a lot more latitude with their attitude at home than he or I were given. I didn’t want them getting abused or molested by an adult because of the ‘adults are always right’ rules.
    Now we are getting it back in the teeth! I hear what good kids I have from others but boy at home it’s world war III over every little thing. I’ve even gone so far as to banish the term Oh MY GOD from the house! We do not have cell phones, computers etc., no money for such. The only extras they have are sports and music (singing). If we take those away, we lose everything we’ve worked for them to have. Money is tight, we are about to lose the house etc. Sports & music are through the schools until those go away too.
    Any suggestions would be appreciated, including how not to lose my mind over my husband being so ultra sensitive to hateful things from the kids. I wish I could blame PMS – the 14 yr old hasn’t even started that – God help us all when she does!

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  16. Rachel Says:

    My 14 yr old daughter has lived W/her dad since she was 10. She has always come back & forth between our homes. I have always thought & felt my daughter & I had a close relationship. I had her at a young age, so Ive always felt I understand how she feels because it wasnt that long ago I felt those things. She has always told me everything (even things I really dont want to know about) but she’s upfront. I started to get concerned W/some of her choices. She has never been one to do anything I ask her to do. She always has walked all over me because I have allowed her to. I know now I was more concerned with being her friend than being a mother. I confroted her father (him & I dont talk offten or see eye to eye) & filled him in on a few things (NOT EVERYTHING) I knew that my daughter entrusted in me. Now all the sudden she hates me. She wont call, or answer calls. She hasnt even been to my house on her weekends. To top it all off, she didnt even call me on Mothers day. Why? Why is this happening. I want to be angry, so that I dont cry anymore or hurt inside. I have written her 2 letters, with no replys. Her father wont take my calls, nor will she. Her 8th grade graduation is coming up. Should I just go & show up? Or should I respect her feelings right now that she doesnt want me around her. This is prob. the most painfull thing Ive dealt with emotionally. Im so confused, hurt, & lost without her. What do I do?

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    mikkilynn Reply:

    You did the right thing by going to her father and letting him know wht’s going on. Your job is to be her mother. Period. She already has friends. Yes show up to her graduation- you don’t need her permission. She is a child, an emotional one at that. Don’t live your life around her whims. What will you do when next year she says you never cared for her because you never showed up for her graduation? You make the decisions- you are the adult. She is an emotional child, and until she behaves like a responsible, mature (for her age) young adult she should be treated as such. She manipulates you with her bad behavior. Don’t encourage it any longer.

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    Lynette Reply:

    By Rachel how did you get on w ith your daughter. My 15yr old has lived with me her whole life and not wanted to know her dad. On the 3rd of April I came home to find a 2 page hate note and she had moved 4 hrs away to live with her dad. He won’t take my calls and if I try to contact her she tells me to fuck off out of her life and go die. I don’t understand as we were so close. I want some hope I will have her in my life again. I miss her.

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  17. Sue Says:

    I have always told my two children not to use the term I HATE YOU! They r now 21yo male & 17yo female Well low & behold last week my daughter & I got into a pretty heavy arguement, & the first time ever she screamed I HATE YOU! Her father told her no use of the car until she appoligized to me, well that was 8days ago I wrote her a letter to let her know how we felt, and asked for a sorry by today or we would go into theraphy Well I hope the therapist can get a hold of or find out where this ANGER is comming from

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  18. Dianne Says:

    Man, did I need to read this today. My 14 year old was adopted five years ago. Tonight I told her to put her laundry away. five hours later it was in the same spot. I told her she could either put it away or I could confiscate it and dole out her clothes to her every morning. Her exact words: “Just my luck, I got a bad deal with my bio family and then got stuck with an even worse second family. I am so glad I am not your real kid.”

    Oh my goodness, talk about stabbing a mom in the heart and then pouring salt on it!! I know she does not mean it. Six months until she turns 15 and I am praying that it is easier than 14!!

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  19. mikkilynn Says:

    ha. Good luck with that.
    Kids are great at figuring out what hurts you the most and using that against you at every chance immagineable.
    But I truely believe in the old saying, “Never let them see you sweat. If your kid picks up on the fact that something he/she said, makes you uncomfortable he/she will run with it.
    Aren’t they lovely?
    Never let them see you sweat.

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  20. Steph Says:

    I am 13, and searched this to see my mother’s view of me. I know that hormones is just an excuse, and that I should still be respectful and I try to be. But once in a while I explode. This is an age where kids are becoming there own people, and are noticing their parents flaws. Instead of wanting to be like them, we want to be our own people.
    Also, for some children like me, they have always had some personal dislikes of their parents, now they are feeling old enough to voice them. Remember, at 13 you felt like you were already fully mature. Please don’t be to hard on your kids, they are meeting new people, hearing more things, and are going to grow apart from you. That doesn’t mean I’m against discipline though. When I get older, I am sure I will be closer to my mom. Until then, I will try to not be to critical and remember she thinks she knows best for me.

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    chris Reply:

    Maybe you should think before you speak. Kids today think they should be able to say anything they want and parents just have to take it. Well, they can’t. Parents have feelings too. Did you know that you can alienate a parent? You can. The world doesn’t revolve around you. Maybe you should display some of that maturity you think you have and think before you speak. I am sure your mom has done some wonderful things for you. But you don’t like some things about her. Did you eve think that maybe there are some things about YOU she doesn’t like?

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  21. Sharon Says:

    My teenage stepdaughter sometimes calls me a hypocrite.
    Is that being disrespectful?? I dont like the way she whines,but then she turns around and calls me a hypocrite.

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  22. Tammy Says:

    I would like to share that i feel my teenager son is so insensive to my feelings. I am menapause and my hormones are in wack and his is too. we can not seem to see eye to eye. he says to me everytime that i am dying. why don’t you just die. this hurts me so much.
    i can’t seem to bear reacting. i know i shouldn’t i ask him to please respect my feeling too. he just does not care. i don’t care why don’t you die. this makes me feel unloved and alone. i then isolate more and more i pray and do not seem to see any changes. i was sing he tells me to stop you singing is terrible. i try to praise and i can not then he goes to praise and it seem my space it disrespected and i lose all hope and all faith seem to vanish. i thank God and ask for forgiveness of my son and myself. i am still hurt and alone and affraid and start even feel like maybe i should just end it all. we used to have a great relationship when he was younger. we were so close and now i am stupid and old and why don’t i just die.
    God help us all in this boat. amen

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    Nikki Jewel Quintanilla Reply:

    I’m 17 years old, going to to turn 18 in less than a month. I have a younger sister, 15 years old, and all she does is disrespects my mom soo badly. Its gets so bad that I ask my mom “you want me to run her over with my car??”

    I am just getting started in life and I have seen so much just by watching my sisters behavior. Please Tammy, do not give up on hope, nor on God. He works in mysterious way, and He’s timimg is all perfect. Be patient with Him and in the end He will prevail. Stand strong and everything will work out.
    As for your son’s hormones I say either strap him to his bed, or lock him in his cloest till he is 30 :o

    Just remember prayer is strength given to the fallen, love and comfort comes with the relief of knowing that you have talked to our Heavenly Father.

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    phillida Reply:

    I know exactly what some of you are feeling. I have a 14yr old daughter who this morning told me I was a stupid cow and she wished I would die! I don’t believe its all to do with hormones either. She changed from being a really nice girl into someone I just don’t recognise anymore. She is so hateful towards me (I am a single mum) and says the most hurtful things, that I just go to bed crying most nights. She is only nice when she wants something and when I say ‘no’ to her she turns on me big time. She pushes the boundaries of her curfew all the time, has no respect for me at all, and treats me like a lump of dirt. The worsed thing is I just cant have any kind of conversation with her at all, because as soon as she hears something she doesn’t like or agree with she goes mental (big time!) She throws it all back at me saying its my fault and that I should be nicer to her. She will not accept responsibility for her actions.
    I found out she was hanging out with a boy who has been expelled from school for possession of drugs. I feel there has been encouragement from him for her to start smoking and drinking, so I am worried sick about what else she may end up taking! I have lost all trust in her.
    I have always been here for both my children and always shown them both my love and how much I care, but I just don’t know how much more I can take.
    I have sought help from the local prevention and intervention team, but I feel all they do is make me look at my life and they say I need to change and offer her something in return for her suggesting what she can do to help me gain trust in her once again? She just seems to be getting worse and for my own sanity something needs to happen? :(

    [Reply]

    Lisa D Reply:

    phillida, As a single mom, you might want to read about parental alienation syndrome. My daughter and I were very close until her dad remarried. Now nothing I do or say is right. I read a little every day, remind myself every day of the good person I am and try to stay as consistent as I can be. But its like walking on egg shells. I understand where you are. I feel your pain.

    chris Reply:

    How about a group home for her? Maybe juvie would wake her up. I walk on egg shells all the time, just waiting for the next explosion. My life is miserable. My husband says, “oh she’ll come around.” Maybe I have to be dead for that to happen.

  23. chris Says:

    Oh my daughter said she hates me. I really believe she means it since it is a recurring thing. Honestly, we are good parents. I home schooled her for senior high years because she got into trouble at TWO schools. If I hadn’t done that she would not be graduating, but she graduates tonight. You wouldn’t believe the things that come out of her mouth. I just want to die. I don’t deserve this. No matter what goes wrong in her life, it’s my fault. I’m so sick of it and so hurt. I am her favorite target. Why did I have children?

    [Reply]

    Naomi Reply:

    I homeschooled my kids for a year as well. My daughter is now doing her high school work online through our school district. I am beginning to think maybe the disrespect and hateful language are a result of giving them too much. We sacrifice, give them phones, cars, new cloths, and computers and then wind up with ungrateful contemptuous teens. I had to work from the age of 15 to support myself, I tried to save my kids from that-it looks like that was a mistake. I don’t think your a bad parent, I think maybe we are too soft on our kids.

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  24. Naomi Says:

    Well, I’m glad this site exists as today was one of the worst days of my life. My youngest daughter (17 1/2) just told me she hates me, never wants to see me again, wants to live somewhere else, and believes I just want to hurt her. Some background info; last year I bought her a car, summer hit and she dissapeared. I finally caught up with her but she was very different from the kid I knew a week before that. She then brings in a boyfriend (she is 16 at this time) we find our he is 18 nearly 19 and when we tell him to leave he threatens my husband. One year later, after several moves to her dad’s house and back, we think we have finally gotten to a calm relationship with her again. She still insists on seeing the boyfriend, no matter how much we disapprove and her father backs her up. Well, after a very bad weekend where her father finally gets to see what a thug the boyfriend is, her brother gets threatened by the boyfriend and our family tells us to get the boyfriend out and never bring him back, we have managed to get them separated. Unfortunately, after telling her she couldn’t see the boyfriend again she threatened suicide and shows us where she just cut herself. We had to take her to an inpatient treatment center. She has been there a week, daily therapy, medication and once a week, family therapy session with me. I have to drive 4 hours each way just to see her. They were getting ready to release her and thought it better to tell her while she was still there that I had filed for a restraining order against the boyfriend. She now never wants to see me again, I was supposed to pick her up and bring her home tomorrow, but now I don’t know if I’ll even be able to see her. I don’t think I have ever felt this bad, I know with one phonecall I could end this, just give in and let her ruin her life with this thug, but I just can’t do it. Is there anyone out there who understands?

    [Reply]

  25. Dawn Says:

    Dear Naomi
    I so feel your pain. My 18 year old son wanted to date a 14 year old, and since this is just so wrong on so many levels, we had a major blowout. My son has called me every nasty name and even tried to have me banned from his graduation. The girlfriend’s parents allowed him to move him into their house as they see nothing wrong with the relationship. I sought out the assistance of a counselor to help guide me with my decisions as I do not want to be estranged from my son, but in no way can I support his decisions. His advice, let them fall but be there to help them on they way back up. My son is willing to give up a full ride to play college soccer for this girl. Does it break my heart – absolutely, but it has to be his decision.

    [Reply]

  26. Jenny Says:

    I have 3 children. Two girls ages 16 and 10 and my son is 4. My husband of 11 years left in July of last year and in November moved back to his hometown of Mexico. My 16 year old has had several outbursts that started when she was 12. The first one she was in my aunts care and got angry at her and pushed the elderly woman down with full force. The second she broke a plastic yellow baseball bat on my now ex husband because he was punishing her for being disrespectful to us both and he was trying to put her guitar away so she would have no access to it for a a few days. The third happened last year in our old house. She bit into my husbans arm and left horrible deep marks that lasted a while, because of dirty sanitary napkins that we found in her room. Just because I told her to clean it up. Then there was three weeks ago. I asked her to help me get her brothers teeth washed and she said Life isnt fair. And from there it excalated and she said she hated her life, and she hated me and I was the worst mother in the world. She wanted to commit suicide and grabbed a butchers knife from the kitchen. I grabbed one hand and my friend who was present grabbed at the knife and cut his hand. I took away her ipod and her phone. Two days later without an apology, she asked me for the ipod. When I said NO. she had another fit. This week, yesterday, there was yet another fit in the car in which she screamed that she hated me 3 times. I believe she hates me. I have given her and her siblings EVERYTHING that they have wanted. I spent over 1000 dollars for her to go to Universal Studios for her 16th birthday that is what she wanted instead of a party. I sent her to the Justin Bieber concert last summer, The Jonas Brothers the year before. I think I have to change that and not give her anything anymore. I just want to die. It hurts so much to love your child with your everything and she still isnt happy. Hormones or none, I have never hit my mother or treated my mother like crap as angry as Ive ever gotten at her in the past. I dont know why my daughter says that Im the worst mother in the world. I havent been able to stop crying since. I sent her to my aunts house and I am afraid to have her back. I dont think I want her back. I dont know what to do. She doesnt seem to think that she is doing anything wrong. She thinks Im wrong. I just want to hide under my covers and never see the light of day agian. She does this in front of her two siblings and tries to get the 10 year old on her side. What can be done??????? Newly divorced mom of 3, really depising life right now, myself.

    [Reply]

  27. NYCJoe Says:

    I am glad I found this site. This is the worst day of my life it seems. I am a father of two girls and I happened across one of their emails and it said how much she hates me because I control her. She started her period two months ago. A connection? I have cried many times today. Of course that she doesn’t care about all that we have done for her. I am just really sad as I write this I am crying. I have heard about other parents going through this but I thought mine would be different

    [Reply]

  28. Surprised Says:

    I am the father of a four year old who said yesterday that she wished she was not my child.

    She is an only child so I have spoiled her immensely – but I have always took time to teach lessons about empathy.

    My father is a wealthy scumbag and my mother had mental issues – and I suffered quite a bit mentally for decades after they divorced when I was a child – but it never occurred to me to purposely disrespect them (even if I did not always obey them explicitly when I was left to my own devices)

    I have tried to be careful not to be just a friend but to first and foremost be a parent but perhaps I have missed the boat.

    Is the best plan to move her to an austerity program now – when she is young – so she will gain proper perspective?

    I will not tolerate an escalation of such disrespect as she grows older – so I want to address this now.

    My mother tried to spoil me when I was young but I worked from the age of 13 on so I definitely understood the value of things from a relatively early age.

    It concerns me that my daughter does not seem to remotely comprehend that I am only trying to give her a material and educational advantage that I never had as a child.

    Sometimes I do not understand the pure malevolenece and lack of empathy that seems to permeate the rest of my species. I had hoped sexual reproduction would not have created such a divergence in phenotype between me and my children.

    I would be curious to see if a clone of myself would be as well behaved as I remember being – or if I am somehow deluded in my own memories of that time. Sadly I find it unlikely that I will be able to carry out this experiment in my lifetime.

    [Reply]

  29. Lisa Says:

    My daughter turns 14 tomorrow and she has been horrible the last few months.We used to have mom/daughter days and she would talk to me about stuff.But since the beginning of summer things have changed.I know her homones are working overtime but that is no excuse for disrespect and plain meanness.I won’t tolerate it.I am grounding her for a week, yes grounded on her birthday and I am not giving her a gift.I will still acknowledge her birthday by making her a cake and her favorite meal for dinner but I am not going to buy her something and reward her for such horrible behavior.

    [Reply]

  30. Liz Says:

    I have a 14 year old just like Jenny; i want to dig a hole and climb in. I sent her to her dads today, i am sick of being treated like dirt. The outbursts are terrible and she blames everything on my boyfriend of 12 years! all he does is ask her to pick up behind herself and she thinks he’s yelling at her….she actually punched me in the face last summer…..losing mom

    [Reply]

  31. Robyn Says:

    I am the mom to 5 kids and I have one on the way (very unexpected surprise. My oldest is 17 1/2 we started having major issues after he started working. he no longer is working but in the mean time his grades have dropped big time, he will be lucky to pass his Jr. yr. we had a sit down talk with 4 of the kids (my step daughter doesn’t live with us. We keep our younger kids money hidden in our room (money they get for their birthdays, Christmas or whatever)today I thought i better count one of them and it was short over $200.00 I also found out that $30.00 was missing from my dresser drawer. no body wanted to claim having taken it, finally my oldest son said he took the $30.00 but that he didn’t touch the other. he already had been caught taking money from the Disneyland jar. when we told him that it was hard to believe he didn’t take it he exploded and yelled at us. he told me he hoped I would die in child birth (I am 32 weeks along) he told us to F OURSELVES, called me a Bitch and even flipped us off. when I got in his face and told him to can the crap he put his feet on my belly and pushed me away. my husband even got in his face and told him that was enough. I don’t know what to do, sending him to his dads is so NOT the answer, he hasn’t spoken to his real dad in almost 2 years. he has a lot of hate towards his real dad. he has never treated him as his son and has also chosen to walk away from all 4 kids, even telling them he has a new family and doesn’t have time for them. we found out 2 weeks ago that my son is bi-polar. I feel like crap and I love my son so much what do I do. I do know though that the other kids didn’t take the money now my husband and I will be the ones replacing it until he confess to taking it, and that will be hard because we are a 1 income family, I lost my job in Nov and haven’t been able to find one and everything is so tight right now. can anyone please help?

    [Reply]

  32. Lisa M Says:

    I can relate to many of these issues:( Though my oldest son isn’t the problem and he’s 14 it’s my 13 yr. old daughter. She don’t come out and tell me she hates me but I find letters or notes in her diary saying F my mom and I hate my mom. She has turned my family against me cause they think I am doing a horrible job I guess but the other 3 children are very normal. She blames me for her father not being there also which he hasn’t been in 11 years because he was put in prison then deported! I had nothing to do with that. I don’t know how much more I can take because I have always given in more for her then the others and she used to be so sweet. Now sometimes I can’t stand her. I’m lost right now and don’t know what to do about her attitude. I can’t tell her I have read her diary because that will push her farther away but how do I deal with this? I am a 30 yr. old mom so I remember my teenage years very well, the only difference my mom was really not there for me at all and my father didn’t exist either. I try to show her I am there but she won’t have it. I’m scared she is going to get out of control and I want to bring her back before its too late. Or is it already too late?

    [Reply]

  33. me Says:

    oh man! i am exactly in this spot…i know i didnt write this but i could have! All the way down to the “my two older kids tell me they love me every day” LOL…ugh.

    My child is so influenced by his vindictive dad that my heart just breaks! I am in pain and have totally been in despair

    [Reply]

  34. dee Says:

    my son has calle me a bitch, and that he hates me and that i did not deserve to be a mother…… those words go in my head….he wants no rules, he is going to a continuation high school….because he was failed all his 10th year…. smokes pot, and drinks….. he does not want any help…. we want to take him to kaiser for drug testing but teenagers also have rights… and he will not go!!!! so sad he is are only son…. im hadicap i have polio and i am trying but he is out of control…..i dont even want to come home….after i get off work… he has no respect for my husband his dad…what to do its so so sad.

    [Reply]

  35. Kelly Says:

    My sweet, kind daughter has turned into an evil, rude, disrespectful preteen.. she’s only 11. She has told me that she hates me, I am the worse mother in the world, I am lucky because my mother died when I was young, she hopes I never have another baby because I ruin lives, etc… and I have honestly done everything to be the best parent I could be. I have dedicated my entire life to her!! Which btw i think was a mistake because I think I have spoiled her! She screams at me, hits herself, and says she wishes she were dead. I feel like such a failure as a parent and keep getting mixed advise. Some people say ground her, some say spank her, some say smack her in the face!! I have grounded her and tried to spank her but she just keeps getting worse. I am a single mom and her dad lives out of state.. and honestly I feel that might be a lot of the problem.
    She just does NOT take me serious.
    And by the way, these outbursts come from things like me telling her to say please or asking her clean her room, etc…
    I need some advise other than it’s just hormones.

    [Reply]

  36. donna Says:

    My daughter is 17 going on 18 in June and she has told me not to touch her tells me I am was not mother enough to her. She is irritated by everything I do. She treats her “so called friends better than me. I have do everything I can do. I work only 15 hours a week. I pay all he bills. She feels that I don’t give her enough money. I tell her she needs to get a job. She snaps my head off. She cusses me out. I have raised her by myself. I can not take this kind out abuse from her. She goes to school when she wants to. I want her out of my house

    [Reply]

  37. Sunskains Says:

    Thank you for your willingness to share with others the experience that I am likewsie experiencing. I needed to know that I’m not alone in this and gain right perspective. Man parenting teens as s single momma is HARD!!!!

    [Reply]

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